A Journey Through Belief,
Faith & Experience

Weak Willed?

To pursue one’s Will is the ultimate goal of many a Thelemite and any who manage to discover their true Will will probably attest to a burning desire to proceed unencumbered. Knowledge of Thelemic doctrine will assist those who know it, but eventual Knowledge and Conversation with their HGA will dispose them of any need for further guidance from other less ethereal sources. Thelema has copious amounts of guidance in all fields of life and many institutions exist to guide the eager to their end desire. But what of the solitary?

I do not attest to knowing even the faintest smidgen of my true Will and have come nowhere near to peeking at my HGA, let alone having a chat. I search and investigate, try new things, discover old knowledge I had forgotten I used to know and generally bumble around not really pointing in any one direction because none of them ‘feel’ right.

Weak willed? I don’t think so. I believe that the basic idea of Thelema, a True and Holy Will, a purpose behind our incarnation, is ‘probably’ correct as the opposite of that is too horrible to consider. I don’t believe in the idea of a great bearded deity lording it over his domain but then I don’t believe in the lack of any form of spiritual being, angel, demon or otherwise. For all I know, the Stargate series on TV could be correct and all spiritual beings could be an ancient race that learned how to do away with their corporeal bodies and ascended to another plane of existence. It could be that all spiritual communications are with these beings.

But I digress…

The reason I write this post is that I am gradually coming out of the worst part of a bout of clinical depression. Tied in with this were anxiety and panic attacks. It is a deeply unpleasant thing to go through both for the sufferer and for those around them and this is the second time I have had something like this occur in the last 20 years. The first bout was partly responsible for opening my eyes to the possibility other planes of existence. This current bout, once the drugs finally kicked in, has allowed me to ponder the very real need for a fit vehicle for anything spiritual to occur for a person on their path.

If the machine (the brain) is malfunctioning then no matter how fervently you follow your path, you cannot trust your own judgment or any information you receive because the brain isn’t allowing the mind free reign to process data correctly. The problem here is that, when you have a ‘good’ day, you can feel fine but the danger will be that you’ll forget that you may well have some very powerful drugs inside you, that are purely there to assist your brain in functioning at a lower rate to reduce stress and allow you to sleep more soundly. I am still on a high dose and even after seven months, I have to remind myself that they are directly affecting how my brain functions. Basically I am not me at the moment.

All in all, this current bout has shown me that I was right to steer clear of any drugs or alcohol when performing any spiritual practice. I never like getting drunk as I don’t like the sense of loosing control of myself, and, in my younger years, any drugs I did try didn’t do much for me. I prefer to be as clear headed as possible so I can get a real sense of what I am experiencing and not something being filtered through some chemically induced sensation.

With this in mind, the fact that I am on strong psychiatric drugs precludes me from doing anything esoteric at the moment as I would never be able to trust the results. I still feel I experience the other dimensions as I usually do but I know the drugs are affecting me so I pay those experiences no mind, or at least I merely note what occurs and will later compare those occurrences with what normally happens once I am off the meds. Unfortunately that will be in many months time.

So… Am I weak Willed for not driving fearlessly on no matter what stands in my way? No… I am being sensible. Nothing says you shouldn’t take a break, and to continue under these circumstances could lead to far more harm being done than any good you may achieve. If nature says take a rest, you’d be well advised to heed her advise. You can always pick up where you left off, if it is your Will to do so of course.

In any case, it may be your Will to do nothing, and no-one can tell you you’re wrong, or that you should stand up and fight, because to not do your Will, if you know it, is a greater error than any that others may try to point out to you.

The point of this post is to say to the solitary… “Go with your Will, but don’t ignore what your mind and body are telling you. You can’t follow your Will if your brain is fried. Groups have mutual support and guidance, we don’t, so listen to yourself.”

A rather fuzzy 93 93/93

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